It is not a surprise that surveys done by Common Sense Media[1] confirm that media use among children is on the rise. People are intuitively aware that we are well into the digital age, yet questions remain about the potentially positive and challenging realities of its impact.

Some families are looking for ways to remain mindful and empowered to manage the technologies that have become a part of everyday life. One way to increase awareness of family usage is to create a “screen time agreement.” Family pledges, templates and contracts[2] can be found on the internet that give the basic idea of how a family agreement might be laid out. It is important that the layout and language of this agreement be appropriate to the age of your children.

As you build a family screen time agreement, use a Heart-Mind[3] perspective to create a balance of online and off-line time that fosters respect and meaningful connections among family members. Consider the five qualities of Heart-Mind well-being:

Agreements that promote being Alert and Engaged.

Getting Enough Sleep

Negotiate when digital devices and screens will be turned off and put away for the night. Research suggests shutting things down at least 2 hours before bedtime[4] will lead to increased sleep, allowing each family member to be more alert and engaged. The blue light emitted from devices before bed interferes with sleep cycles. Replace devices with non-screen activities in bedtime routines and keep digital devices outside childrens’ bedrooms.

Bring attention to the body

Discuss the impact that technology time is having on each family member. Encourage every family member to “tune into” their emotional and physical reactions when immersed for lengths of time in a digital experience. What are the clues that your body has had enough screen time and is in need of another form of activity? This discussion can improve self-management of personal technology use.

Agreements that promotes Getting Along With Others

Set Limits

Apply a “no screen zone” for special times of the day such as family meals[5]. This limit will encourage rich face to face interactions and build relationships. Other times might include whenever there is a guest over, during a playdate or when the sun shines and it’s an opportunity to be active outdoors.

Create Time for Digital “Show and Tell”

Talk about the kinds of things each person is exploring online. Even better, take time to explore technology together, and connect with what your child is watching, reading or playing. By participating in each other’s screen and digital use, you can clarify and build on what emotions, thoughts, questions, concerns, and interests[6] your child is discovering.  

Agreements that promote Solving Problems Peacefully  

Anticipate Digital Disagreements

If you choose to monitor your child’s digital use, be honest and upfront about what you are accessing in their accounts and why. Talk about the feelings that arise when devices are monitored and find a balance between safety and trust. Be open to revisiting the agreements as your child grows.

Online Safety is a Must

Decide what to do if cyber bullying or inappropriate photo sharing[7] takes place. This agreement might be evoked if an incident happens directly with a family member or if they witness it happening to someone else. Place safety parameters in place and follow a problem solving approach[8] that creates connective and supportive moments for your family to find ways to “make things right.”  

Agreements that promote being Secure and Calm

Seek Balance

Your digital agreement can foster a balanced approach to technology if you clarify as a family how much screen time is appropriate (and how this may change over time). Discuss and decide what balance looks like and include calming activities that are screen-less (music, nature time, reading, tossing a ball around). Discover together what brings calm to different members in the family.  

Have an “ooops” Plan

Imagine how anxiety provoking it can be for a child (or adult) who accidently comes across an inappropriate website or who participates in an online activity - only to regret it later. Have a plan for “what to do” if a family member finds themselves engaged in any digital activity that leaves them feeling awkward or nervous. Keeping an open, patient and non-reactive presence is key.

Agreements that promote being Compassionate and Kind

Find Compassion Online

Endorse positive and empathy driven online activities (whether videos, games, or websites). These activities will promote kindness and be a catalyst for more innovative ways to use media for the greater good and kindness infused action[10].

Watch for Social Distress

To prevent being swept into the drama that can occur in social media, talk about how personal drama shared online can be a source of distress. Talk about parameters for when and how to write appropriate and supportive posts to friends that may be having a difficult time and brainstorm actions to support friends offline that are healthy and productive.

Be proactive by building an agreement with a Heart-Mind well-being focus! It is never too early or too late to start these conversations and to craft a digital code of conduct that promotes the five positive human qualities.